"Wounded People Will Wound Others" – What My Bones Know
Wounded people tend to hurt others.
This book chronicles the journey of an Asian girl who, after enduring deep psychological trauma, eventually finds a way to heal. Along the way, her story might reveal many reflections of our own struggles. It prompts us to ask: What lies behind this cycle of hurt, and how can we break it?
Manifestations of Psychological Trauma
Imagine rating your mental well-being on a scale from 0 to 100—what score would you give yourself? Consider some common signs of trauma:
- You often struggle to maintain close relationships.
- You find yourself overly sensitive to the emotions of others.
- You’re afraid to burden others and hesitate to express your own needs.
- At the same time, you dislike interruptions, so you rarely listen to what others might truly need.
- Yet, you also crave recognition; you end up apologizing excessively or expecting apologies.
- You yearn to excel at work but find it difficult to stick with a job.
- You have trouble saying “no,” so you end up taking on extra tasks without hesitation.
- You’re extremely afraid of criticism and desperately seek your boss’s approval, which only fuels your anxiety.
- And you rarely feel whole on your own—your sense of completeness depends on constant external validation.
The book asserts:
When our early experiences consistently involve neglect or denial of care, we begin to doubt our own worth. All the behaviors described above are signs of feeling “unlovable.” But what causes this deep-seated wound?
The Cause of Psychological Trauma
The book explains:
Think about it: when the very people who should nurture and care for you end up causing harm, the accumulation of negative experiences gradually convinces you that you are not worthy of love. For instance, if parents or close relatives frequently use harsh criticism or ridicule, these repeated negative interactions embed a lasting self-doubt.
Trauma rarely stems from one dramatic incident. More often, it grows from a prolonged state of suppression. For many Asian children—including the author and even many of us—the only measure of worth was academic achievement. Excelling brought praise, while failing invited neglect or even punishment. Gradually, the idea forms that only by outperforming others can you be loved. This ties self-worth directly to achievement, creating immense pressure and persistent self-doubt.
But outdoing others is no easy task. As a result, we end up becoming overly obedient and eager to please our parents—sacrificing our own curiosity and vitality in the process.
Over time, living in this state builds various protective mechanisms. You might find that during moments of conflict or sorrow, you suddenly detach from your feelings—as if stepping outside your own experience—and become a dispassionate observer. This phenomenon is known as “dissociation.”
Then, when you are alone or reunited with loved ones, those suppressed feelings of shame or anger can surge back, manifesting as aggression toward those around you. This recurring painful re-experiencing is often called a “flashback.”
These are self-protection mechanisms designed to offer a brief escape from overwhelming stress. However, if the suppressed emotions are never properly released, the trauma only deepens—leading eventually to self-harm or to inflicting pain on others.
How to Heal Yourself
True healing begins with a change in our attitude toward trauma. The book reminds us:
What, then, should we mourn?
We mourn the childhood we should have had; we grieve for the gentle encouragement that was denied after a poor exam; we lament the compassionate guidance we missed when mistakes were made; and we sorrow for the shared joy that was replaced by disappointment. We must allow ourselves to mourn the warmth, the understanding, and the support that should have been ours but were withheld or taken away.
Many remain entangled with their families, but as adults, it may be necessary to establish healthy emotional boundaries with our parents so that the wounded child inside can finally stand on its own and grow.
The book plainly states:
Perhaps those who should have offered us love—our parents, our partners, or other significant figures—are themselves wounded. Expecting them someday to love unconditionally is a tall order. Instead, we must learn to care for ourselves from within. This means relinquishing the need for others to validate or love us and instead actively tending to our own inner needs. Learn to remind yourself: No matter your flaws or the pain you’ve endured, you are worthy of unconditional love.
In this deeply personal memoir, author Stephanie Foo—a Chinese American whose family immigrated to the United States amid conflict—shares her path from being deeply traumatized by parental neglect and abuse to gradually finding healing. Her account not only offers psychological insights and healing techniques but also rekindles memories of the childhood we might have lost. Through therapy, self-reflection, and renewed communication with her family, she learns to embrace self-acceptance and move toward recovery.
Finally, here is a passage to conclude today’s reading:
— What My Bones Know
What My Bones Know
- Author: Stephanie Foo
- Translator: Gao Yubing
- Publication Year: 2024.9
- Category: Psychology
— From @不略
