"Love Is a Repetition, a Cycle" – Why Love Hurts
How does love come into being? And how does it fade away?
In Why Love Hurts, Wu Zhihong explores love from a psychological perspective, revealing its three essential stages.
The Three Stages of Love
What does love really feel like?
The book explains:
Revisiting the beauty of childhood, and rectifying its mistakes.
Every significant emotion in our lives is first forged in childhood—sometimes marked by deep beauty, other times by profound loss.
As helpless children, we can only passively absorb our experiences. Later, as we gain independence and the power of choice, we long for an ideal partner who can help us relive or even correct our childhood. This yearning fuels our fantasies about love—even though no real partner can ever perfectly match our ideals.
Thus, a complete love affair unfolds in three stages:
1+1=0
1+1=2
- Stage One: You become one with the other; in this fantasy, “you are me, and I am you.”
- Stage Two: The partner becomes the source of your pain, and vice versa—the union feels like a colossal mistake as the illusion shatters.
- Stage Three: Ultimately, you realize that you remain distinct individuals, yet you belong together; this is the stage of true understanding.
Understanding these three stages is to truly understand love.
Stage One: Fantasy
What does your ideal partner look like?
What traits in your current partner captivate you—or drive you crazy?
The answer may lie in the echoes of your childhood.
Why does the answer reside in childhood?
As we mature and realize that childhood is a journey we cannot return to, our subconscious begins to yearn for it—a hope to go back and reshape our parents according to our own wishes.
In time, we construct an ideal image of our parents and search the world for someone who embodies those traits. When someone exhibits these ideal qualities, we become euphoric, projecting all our fantasies onto them and believing they are the one destined for us.
We finally encounter someone who lets us relive our childhood—this time, with the intention of remolding “parenthood” on our own terms. Thus, the more painful one’s childhood, the stronger the desire to transform it. If the other person largely conforms to our ideal, we may experience the happiness we missed. But if they steadfastly remain themselves, love inevitably plunges into Stage Two—Disillusionment.
Stage Two: Disillusionment
Why do so few relationships survive beyond seven years—the notorious “seven-year itch”?
There’s an intriguing phenomenon:
- By age six, a child’s personality and cognitive structure have largely taken shape, marking the duration of the first childhood.
- Later, when we choose a relationship in an effort to remake our childhood, we undergo a second “childhood” of roughly the same span.
The book states:
The more important the relationship, the stronger the projection.
Those who suffered deep deficiencies in childhood tend to project their inner chaos onto their partner—demanding dependence, control, sensitivity, suspicion, avoidance, and more. Every behavior shouts: You must change to suit my needs, or I will punish you.
In the disillusionment stage, both partners suffer immense pain. Sadly, while only a few reflect and adjust amid the suffering, most merely repeat the same illusions over and over. Thus, if someone constantly craves a love that is all-consuming—extreme in both passion and hatred—it signals a deeply fragmented inner self.
We’re often told not to fall in the same spot twice, yet if one never revisits and fully mourns their childhood, life will simply repeat itself.
those who learned misery will repeat misery.
Many call this cycle “fate.” To break free, we must understand that love is a lesson—a lesson in which we must continually see both our partner and ourselves clearly before progressing to Stage Three: Union.
Stage Three: Union
The book explains:
and the lowest is merely the appearance of union.
- True union means you fully understand yourself and your partner. You recognize that you are two distinct individuals who, through time together, nurture and blend with one another while still honoring your separate identities.
- Apparent union is when you understand neither yourself nor your other half. You live in an illusion, projecting your fantasies onto them—and they, driven by duty or obligation, reluctantly comply—while you mistakenly believe you are united.
The book further states:
In letting go of your fantasies, both partners acknowledge their own shortcomings. Although conflicts and struggles may still arise, through ongoing introspection you learn to set aside your ego and stop trying to change each other. In the days that follow, your love, trust, and individuality are repeatedly reaffirmed as you both mourn your lost childhood and reshape your sense of self.
The author, Wu Zhihong—a psychology master’s graduate from Peking University and a seasoned psychological counselor—offers us a profound view of love, enriched by numerous real-life counseling cases. If you’re curious about a deeper perspective on love, this book is well worth a read.
Finally, here is a quote from the book to conclude today’s reading:
— Why Love Hurts
Why Love Hurts
- Author: Wu Zhihong
- Publication Year: 2017.1
- Category: Psychology
Falling in love is nothing more than two phrases: to relive the beauty of childhood and to rectify its mistakes. True union is when you thoroughly understand both yourself and your partner. First, you must realize that you are two distinct individuals who, over time, nurture one another until that moment arrives when you truly connect—when you touch each other’s hearts. Yet, your individuality remains.
— From @不略
